It's funny how resistant I am to blog when I feel like I have hit a bump in the road and fallen off the wagon. But here I am ready to face it, and keep it real to myself and you all! This is very much part of my healing process..keeping things in the open and not hidden behind the curtains.So everything was going really well, which has all to do why things are no longer going well. This is a very typical pattern for me: once the going gets good, I freak out and start back pedaling fast, usually out of fear. When I have perspective on my behavior it seems so silly and I feel uber frustrated, but when I am in the eye of the freak out, there seems to be no other options except fight or flight. I usually fight for a few minutes and then take flight as soon as I can get my hands on the next ticket out of town. But it goes as quickly as it comes. Typically the next day I wake up and feel fine again and in a space to make life affirming decisions for myself. But often there is a lot of post storm damage to clean up, which is a real bummer.
Like clock work, everyday I start off really strong and steadfast -- nothing can stray me off my path. But come 4pm or so, things start to slowly fall apart and foods that won't even tempt me in the morning are starting to taunt me and lure me their way. By 6pm, it's all over and I give in to my cravings with a vengeance. Of course regret soon kicks in and then guilt and then anger and then sadness that it happened, AGAIN! Urgghh
So yes this happened to me today, but I refuse to react with negative feelings towards myself and an "all is lost" attitude. That gets me nowhere good fast.
These bumps that inevitable arise along my journey I now realize are actually opportunities to stop, pause, breath and dive deeper into myself to find the "more-ness" of who I am. I no longer want to reject this part of me, because it is a part of me after all and until I can except ALL of me, I won't be able to fully move into a place of empowerment and happiness.
So what insights have these "bumps" (aka opportunities) blessed me with today?
- Each day is new and my body needs different things depending, so you best be listening!
- Some days I need more than other days, and that is ok.
- There is no one way of doing things, even if that is what "the book" says.
- Each day I get to recreate myself, how exciting!
- Before eating drink water -- remember thirst can disguise itself as hunger and it distracts me just long enough to let a fleeting weak moment fleet on by.
- Love love love thyself!
Looking forward to tomorrow's little blessings!
4 comments:
Great observations about yourself, Kyle! I think you're on the right track for not beating yourself up about speed bumps. Oh, and you're not the only one who finds it hardest in the evening. Evening and night was always hard for me for whatever reason!
Thanks for you support, Sarah!
I am glad to know I am not the only one who turns into a werewolf once the moon comes out! :) I think it is when I am the most tired and just want food as comfort and numbing. It is also my most favorite meal to make and eat. I guess I can't expect for me to break 28 year old big heavy dinner habit in just a few days! I think it may take a few years to really transition fully...humm
Hugs, hugs!
Kyle! I admire your positive outlook on "failures". As long as you keep getting up it won't really be a failure. I have a very spontanous personality (which sucks when it comes to food). I will set a goal for myself and be sooo good and then out of nowhere I'll do something I'll regret..I'm on day 6 today and still waiting for that bump :)
Aww... such an inspiring post.
I had to come and thank you for your comment the other day. I was REALLY worried about this change of direction and having you tell me that, based on your background, you had confidence that this was the right path for me really helped. As soon as I had read that, I went to take the triphala+ashes. It was gross but I wasn't as worried about it as before.
Hugs! :)
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