Juice Feast: Day 14!

...me and my sweety soon after I went raw this past summer....he enjoys raw foods occasionally, but not enough to give up coffee and ice cream!
Sleep: 11pm-8:45 -- woke up in the middle of the night parched, clogged and feeling shipwrecked
Hot Tea: 16oz Peppermint
Skin brushing/tongue scraping
Hot/cold contrasting shower
Juice: 64ounces "Bleeding Hearts" --beets, romaine, kale, carrot, celery, apple, ginger, lemon, liquid kelp drops, pure synergy - back on the powders after a little vacation
Juice: 32 oz "green lemonade" -- romaine, kale, celery, apple, cuke, ginger, lemon
Juice: 32 ounces "Appleloupgingerlina" -- apple, cantaloupe, ginger, lemon, sprulina.
Juice: 26 ounces "Pretty in Pink" --tangelo, orange, pink grapefruit with liquid C and MSM
Fresh Coconut Water: 8oz
Ginger Tea x2
Walk: 1 hour --walked at a snails pace today; my body just did not want to move or function till around 5pm! I think I over did it yesterday and paying for it today.
Colonic: Strangely very little came out today? I was hoping for big releases to help clear the congestion in my head, but very little would budge. I think its a combo of me being dehydrated (ironically you can get very dehydrated on a Juice Feast if you're not careful) and the colonic not able to move the next layer of sludge. My colleague recommended that I do a psyllim/bentonite clay shake to help get it out.

WOW, week two was a killer! The highs and the lows were so intense- to the point of almost breaking me a couple of times. Today was a good example of how no matter what I did I could not convince my body to kick into gear, and no matter how much I tried to soothe my mind the tears and mucus just kept flowing. It feels like I am literally hitting up against a brick wall with no way of getting around it. The wall, of course, is me and all my "stuff" that is demanding attention, time and healing. And yet, I am so overwhelmed by the task. In fact, I am overwhelmed by all the tasks involved with this cleanse. Today I just stared at my juicer for 15 mins and cried. I couldn't muster the physical or emotional energy it took to juice. Then, I went to the bathroom and stared at the body brush, the shower and the enema bag and cried again! It took me until almost noon to actually do anything but stare and cry, it was so awful. What a real life glimpse into what it must feeling like to live with chronic depression/anxiety -- completely paralysing.

Now that I am functional again, it is clear to me that all of this is teaching me how to love, honor and truly take care of myself. It is not always obvious to me what I need in life, what I need from my partners, friends, food, drink, and most importantly myself. And when it is clear why is it so hard for me to receive it and choose the optimal solution? When I feel thirsty these days, strangely I can't bring myself to drink? When I am hungry, it is like pulling teeth to get me to swallow the juices that I know will feed me. Sounds so strange, even to myself to have such aversions, but when face to face with the possibilities of letting go of something to heal is scaring me to death. And it seems like that is the brick wall, the fear and the fear of rejection. It might take more than psyllium to move the mountain of fear.

On another note, I have to say that JFing is really taking a toll on my relationship with my fiance. I am so consumed in this process that there seems to be very little time, energy or desire left for "us." Yesterday we had the "talk" about how much longer I am going to JFing and when things are going to be back to "normal." He bravely expressed how much he misses wining and dining with me, being able to go out without thought, having friends over for dinner, socializing, etc. It is so true, this whole thing is very selfish in many ways and he has been very supportive thus far-- I have certainly have not been as generous to him in return. When he comes home I just dump all my inner frustrations and anger on him and when I feel like I am rejecting myself, I project it onto our relationship.

It's true some days I just want to be carefree and "normal." I just want to be able to go out to a restaurant and order a normal meal off the menu and not make such a fuss all the time. Some days I don't want to have to ALWAYS be consumed with what I am consuming! Some days I just want to travel with out fear of what others will think, where I am going to get my next meal and having to pack a whole extra suit case for my "special" foods. Ahhhhh......and yet, how can I go back when I have come so far and know so much? When really I do feel the best I have ever felt on raw foods, juices and greens? Right now I am not sure where the balance lies.

I am traveling to southern VT with my older sister this weekend to see my younger sister perform with her youth orchestra. I am attempting to continue juicing while I am there but it is going to be tough--unless it's not, one never knows these days! In any case I am so looking forward to getting some fresh air!

This stream of consciousness will be continued once I get back.......

peace,
kyle