Riding the Waves

....of breath and intuition.

This past week has been about stepping back, getting to the essence of what I want and then letting go of my "goal" oriented attitude. I have FINALLY come to realize that although setting goals and creating a direction for myself has served me in many ways, in also has sent me flying in the opposite direction or going round and round the hamster wheel.

This little intuition of mine has always lingered in the back of my head, but it finally came the forefront, after getting some very deep Rolfing work down. My therapist who has seen me transition in to a raw diet, complete my 30 day juice cleanse and then bounce back and forth to every place in between, gave me some very simple and direct advise the other day: "Kyle, you really need to start nurturing yourself, and I am sure all of these little issues and tensions that your body is holding will fade away."

At first, I was really taken aback and thought, "what do you mean I need to START nurturing myself? ALL I DO IS NURTURE MYSELF!!" Or so I thought.

But looking outside myself I discovered he is so right, I just think I nurture myself, when in fact I am so caught up in my head that I have forgotten to just listen to my intuitions, stop micro-managing everything that goes in (and out! haha) of my body, and just be.

Letting go of control has always been a tough one for me. Mostly because I am scared of what I will do if I do. "Will I get enough," "will I be healthy," "will I get fat/skinny," "will I feel accepted?" are just a few of the fear-based thoughts that stream through my head everyday. And yet, being overly controlling is not getting me closer to a bliss-filled life I truly desire either.

I went to a Gil Jabobs lecture the other day (Gil is a radical voice in the raw community and also the best colon therapist in the city, if not the country), and he said something that really stuck with me. In essence he said, if this "life" (which he has a very specific definition for) is causing you more dis-ease than ease of being, then something isn't right. If you are thinking about it every waking moment than a shift needs to happen. He also talked about falling in love with the journey not the end result and embracing all that comes with the process of being the best person you can be within your means.

So my new mantras are " I allow myself...." and " I trust myself...."

It is amazing how each day has proven to be totally different in terms of what I need, want, desire, choose. Some days it eating all fruit feels really natural, little effort or work, satisfying and loving. Other days, just juicing feels like all of those things, or ironically eating some cooked foods and fats.

What's my barometer? What is the quality of my breath and where is it moving to and from? Is it deep or shallow? Is it slow or fast. For me my breath drastically changes depending on my circumstances. By tapping into its subtleties and allowing my breath to guide me, all I have to do is ride on its back and let it carry me with it.

"Where to?", my old voice would have immediately asked. My new voice says, "I don't know. Don't worry about it. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride."